WELL PARENT: Preventing Toddler Tantrums In Public
By Rebecca A.
I’m sure you’ve been there. I have. How many times, I can't remember.
The little one starts whining, or crying, or arguing, or whatever it is that you know is going to precede the most epic of tantrums. To make it worse, you are in a public place. It could be the playground, or the supermarket. Maybe in the mall or right as the Didi is pulling up to the curb.
It’s tough Mama, I know. The stares from everyone, and the burning shame and embarrassment that floods your face and heart.
And while it’s not possible to prevent every tantrum, or make it stop easily once it’s started, there are a few tricks which you can use to prevent them, and prevention is FOR SURE easier than dealing with a fully fledged tantrum.
You don’t have to subscribe to the labels society has given our kids, 'naughty child’ or ‘terrible twos’. Most of the time your little one is not trying to manipulate you, they are not doing behaving like this just to be 'naughty' and to make you angry. Toddlers are learning how to communicate. They don’t have it all figured out, and they easily become overwhelmed by their big emotions and feelings. When things don't go their way, they don't yet have the skills to be able to be adaptable and flexible. They don't know how to take deep breaths and let it go.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed by my big emotions or when things don't go my way. Sometimes my kids witness the outpouring of my big 'feelings' because I haven't been able to control it. Are you always in control of your anger and frustration?
We are all learning how to deal with and express our emotions in healthy ways, and toddlers are no different.
But if we can learn to read the clues they give us, if we are aware of tantrum triggers, then we can begin to meet their need before the meltdown.
1. Make sure the physical needs are taken care of – hunger, thirst, wet diapers and tiredness are the causes of many tantrums! Read the signs and act early.
2. Consider your own behavior – sometimes tantrums can be a result of stress they have picked up from you. Kids are highly sensitive and they pick up on our emotions – are you under a lot of pressure and losing your cool? Alternatively, they may be feeling a lack of attention from you. If you haven’t had much connection with them lately, or if the child is feeling ignored, then sometimes tantrums can be a result of just wanting to be seen and heard. Read this article for a few suggestions on how to connect with your child in under 10 minutes.
3. Offer guided choices. Tantrums can be a result of feeling powerless and out of control. Offer your toddler the opportunity to make simple choices and they will gain a sense of independence and control, and they will feel respected. This tip works at home to help kiddo feel more powerful - they can choose little things like which plate to eat off, or which pair of shoes to wear. When you are out in public you might need to get creative - 'should we buy this apple or this apple?', 'which way would you like to go now?', 'should we walk slowly or fast?'. Give them two choices between options that are both acceptable to you so they truly can make a choice and influence the outcome.
4. Give plenty of notice before transitions and connect with the child as you are telling them. If the child is old enough, you can help prepare them for the public outing by telling them multiple times what you will be doing when you go out - 'first we will go in the taxi, then we will go to the park, then we will go to the cafe, then we will come home', and constantly talking to them about what you have done, are doing and what's next. To eliminate a further battle, offer guided choices when possible – ‘would you like to walk by yourself or would you like to ride in the stroller?’
Before leaving the playground, ask them how many more pushes on the swing they would like before you leave, or tell them you have time for 5 more turns down the slide. Then count it down with them and remind them when they have two left, one left, last one, finished, time to go. It gives them the time and space to mentally adjust to the change.
5. Wave goodbye to things. I learnt this trick when I had to walk my toddler past those coin-operated kiddie rides on the way to our supermarket. Every time we walked past there would be a tantrum because she wanted to ride them. Until I began prepping her BEFORE we got into the mall, telling her multiple times: “Today we won’t stop at the horse, but we will wave and say ‘goodbye’ to it as we walk by”, then as we saw the horse we began waving and saying goodbye as we walked by. Waving goodbye works really well for things like leaving the playground and at times when they don’t want to leave something.
6.Acknowledge their feelings if they melt down. It can be helpful for them if you can give words to their emotions, in a voice that somewhat matches how they are feeling. 'You really are sad to leave the playground, you don't want to go, you wish we could stay here all day, should we come back another time? Let's wave goodbye.'
7. Distraction. I used to feel that this method was cheating, that acknowledgement and space to express emotions was all a kid needed. Actually, distraction is a fantastic addition to your parenting toolkit - so whip out that favourite toy, a snack, a book or a leaf, sing a song or whatever it takes.
7. If all else fails pick up your toddler and walk away to somewhere quiet or out of sight of as many people as possible and let your child meltdown. I was that mom who had to remove my screaming toddler from a cartful of groceries while at Jenny Lou's, my 2 preschoolers following behind, to sit at the front of the supermarket for 10 minutes while my smallest darling threw the mother of all tantrums. And that's okay.
And remember, it pays not give in or change your mind to a child because of the impending threat of a tantrum. If a child learns that they can change your mind through crying and screaming then you might find that the frequency of tantrums will increase and last far beyond the toddler years.
You can do it Mama. The tantrums will become less frequent. This too shall pass.
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